Words by Hannah Durdle

I just saw a friend on Facebook asking for some advice about her new baby and saw someone comment ‘Oh you’ll miss this when she’s older’ 

I thought to myself sitting there reading how many people had said that to me…and how many people get it said to them…and quite frankly how much the saying needs to stop being said. 

My kids are now 14 and 12 and no…I don’t miss getting up 18 times a night…I don’t miss panicking they aren’t eating properly because they only want nuggets for months at a time….I don’t miss panicking about getting in trouble with our awful system not going to work because I had to take three days off to look after them when are ill…I don’t miss my house being trashed and being so tired I can’t be bothered to clean it up and then waking up and being panicked and stressed that someone might judge me as a parent…I don’t miss them having tantrums….I have some wonderful memories from those times but I don’t miss it. 

The bedtime stories have turned into watching a film together before bed and they still come in my room and sit on the end of the bed and have a chat. The irritating dinner times have turned into me teaching my kids how to make stuff…the waking up in the night has turned into me having a good night’s sleep and becoming a much better mum to help them with stuff because I am not mentally drained. My house is still a mess but that has turned into them helping me with it as they are old enough to understand what it takes to run a house…and the tantrums have turned into little adult conversations about what we should do together. 

My point is don’t let people make you feel bad when you need to vent. Everyone is doing a fantastic job as parents. Your relationship with your kids should grow and it should be something to look forward to as they get older and you can do more and more with them…not miss…even when they move out. And yes, I will miss them….as people. You’re allowed to be stressed. 

And fingers crossed one day I might be lucky enough to have grandchildren and I will look forward to them growing as little people as well!

Hannah Durdle 

Whilst the suicide rates for men is three quarters higher than women, my experiences during childhood shaped my understanding of maternal wellbeing and mental health.  I also suffered with post natal depression for 18 months five years ago.

I’m originally from Kent and when I was around nine years old during one of my mums struggles with her mental health, I heard her telling my Dad after being missing all day that she had been to Rochester Bridge, and was thinking about jumping.  Luckily she didn’t.

Then fast forward a couple of years and I’m 11 years old, my mum was mostly in hospital due to her mental health around this time, I hadn’t long been at secondary school and my aunt had been staying with us a lot to help out.  When my aunt needed to go back home for a bit my mum was out of hospital for a couple of days to see how she got on.  My brother and I were watching TV after school but I suddenly felt I should check on my mum, my dad was still at work.  I caught her in the kitchen holding a knife to her wrist.  So I told her to let me have the knife and go upstairs to lie down, when she did I started looking for every sharp thing I could find and hid them behind a chair in our front room.  When I went to check on my mum instead of finding her lying down like I’d suggested, she was trying to tie an extension lead cable around her neck.  I shouted at her and told her to stop, took it out of her hands and made her lay down and rest.
It could’ve been so different.  For people touched by events like this, or to have experienced the worst case scenario we know how crucial it is to have support and services available to help those suffering with their mental health.  

Official figures state that the maternal death rate is one in eleven in the UK during and up to 6 weeks after pregnancy due to a psychiatric cause.  A quarter of late maternal deaths are by suicide and can be linked to post natal depression.  Actual figures for PND vary according to sources, from one in five, to one in four, some mothers don’t seek help so the figures are suspected to be higher than records show.  If we were to look more into maternal services and what’s available to women postnatally there is still not enough support for new mothers.

However, there are positive changes, there is far more awareness and less stigma regarding mental health than there was around 30 years ago and there is far more awareness around the importance of taking care of our mental wellbeing.

Through my work with women in pregnancy and postnatally I intend to keep raising awareness about maternal wellbeing.  I would like women to feel supported whether they need it or not, I want women to know it’s ok not to be ok, it’s ok that sometimes motherhood is tough and that if you need it it’s crucial to seek help for yourself. 

I offer various pre and postnatal services to women and have a created a positive community #Mothers Supporting Mothers Movement.  I also provide one to one Birth Trauma Recovery for women that still suffer after their birth with symptoms of post traumatic stress.  This can be a trigger for PND and the symptoms that come with that, including in some cases maternal suicide.  

I may not always be the right person to help however I see myself as able to signpost women to services that they may not be aware of that are available to support them,  I’m honest and open about my own struggles with PND and motherhood in general and the more I share the more others share too.  It lightens the load we carry with us.  If you have any mental health issues I urge you to reach out to people you know will listen.  Whilst every situation is different, if you’re unwell then I also want you to know you can get better and there is always hope.

ClareXx

A Rainbow Mother…

I think it’s a shame Mothers sometimes feel the need to put themselves into camps that end up with us comparing or competing against each other, this is the opposite to what this world needs. I came across something a while ago that resonated greatly with me though.

I was reading a book in which it talked about Mothers expected to be “Earth” Mothers in today’s society, the Earth Mother is the benchmark or how we “should” parent. These are those wonderful women that have maternal instincts in every cell of their bodies, that embody the essence of nurturing their children putting themselves aside.  Having done yoga for a long time, being spiritual and having a keen interest in everything holistic I remember a friend saying “You’re going to be an Earth Mother”. I was slightly alarmed! I was pretty sure that was not the type of mother I’d be. In fact my friend who is very different to me is far more of the immersive mother type than I am. Far more what we could class as an Earth Mother.

I’ve sometimes felt guilt about not being an “earth mother” however recently I discovered a new “type” of mother, a description that made me breathe a little sigh of relief.

This mother is a Rainbow Mother. 

This type of mother needs to create and stand out from the crowd. She needs to fly free and do things away from her children. she can be the best mother she can be for her children by NOT channeling all her energy and attention into her children. It’s a challenge because as a rainbow mother we are pulled to take care of our children and nurture them and yet we feel pulled in another direction towards whatever else makes us tick.  This type of mother wants to inspire in her unique way.

This description is far more like me and some of my friends and clients. I’m so happy I came across this in a book about women connecting to their roots, we aren’t a one size fits all “type” of mother and that’s ok. It’s not that I need approval or a label to define the way I parent however it proves that this cultural perspective we have about motherhood could do with a lot of shifting still.  (Along with the role of stay at home dads)

Being a certain type of mother, or parenting in a particular style doesn’t make one better than another. Sometimes I feel people can be very judgemental towards other mothers for the way they parent, it makes me irritated because I understand that we all parent based on our experiences and the way we perceive information and facts, dare I say it’s a bit like politics, there’s a stat or research for most things, if you put us all in a Motherhood Parliament we’d have our own way of doing things. Only this isn’t us governing the country it’s guiding our own children in a way that is authentic to us and the world we want to create for them. So perhaps judgey mothers no matter if you’re more an Earth or a Rainbow mother, need to look in the mirror and question what it is about a different parenting style that offends them and keep their eyes in their own lane without casting dispersions. Motherhood isn’t a label, society is trying to tell us that one is more right than the other in my observations.

Wouldn’t life be boring if we all parented the same? Our children are all unique so we know what they need from us and we know what feels right for us too. Trust in your own instincts and authentic parenting. Our babies chose us for a reason.

I’m not an Earth Mother, I’m more aligned with a Rainbow Mother and that’s ok.

Do you see yourself more of one than the other or perhaps a bit of both? Would love to know your thoughts! Had you head of a Rainbow Mother before?

Xx

Note: I’ve adapted this from a couple of my favourite versions.

Dear Mummy,

I know I’m fairly new to this world, and almost every moment is a new experience for me. While you seem more familiar with these surroundings, I know this is all brand-new for you as well. In fact, you may seem a bit overwhelmed, so I want you to know it’s going to be OK. We’re going to do just fine. I’m not as complicated as you might think – in fact, my needs are pretty simple so let me break it down as best I can.

• Your voice – please let me hear it. Whether you sing or talk, murmur or hum, I just love to hear the sound of your voice. It’s comforting and soothing, and it lets me know you’re here. Even if I don’t understand any of what you’re saying, I love it.

• Your body. I know your body changed a lot because of me, and I’m sure you’d like to change it back as quickly as you can now I’ve arrived. But, your softness is my happy place. You are my cuddles and hugs and the best place for me to sleep. In fact, I connect best with you, your skin touching my skin. I don’t understand a lot but the feel of you holding me is something I definitely know and crave. So, please don’t be so quick to let this go – or let me go. I love you the way you are – right now.

• I have one voice. Whether I’m tired, hungry, have a wet nappy or a tummy ache, I can only tell you with a cry. As I get older, I will learn new and different ways to express myself but for right now, it’s all I’ve got. So, please have patience with me – when you’ve just fed me and changed me I should be happy, but maybe now I’m cold. Or, I’m awake but not ready to be – and I can’t get myself back to sleep. I know I will try and test your patience and your energy level. Please bear with me.

• You are my everything. I need you. I can’t do anything on my own yet. While I know it’s selfish of me but you need to put me first for right now. I know you can do it, and when you have the opportunity, let other people help you out. If you trust them, I trust them and you don’t need to feel guilty about it. I don’t need you to be Super Mum, just my mum.

• Speaking of trust, I’m going to really test yours. Being a mum is hard and you’re going to worry and wonder if you’re doing the right things for me. Trust your instincts; you have them for a reason. Listen to advice, weigh options and opinions but in the end, I’m your baby, so you make the decision that’s best for me and you.

• Take care of yourself. Be mindful of what you eat and drink, your health, your emotional and physical wellbeing; yes, even your rest though I know that’s a bit ironic coming from me right now. I need you around – not just for today or this year but as long as is humanly possible

Lastly, I love you – no one can ever be who and what you are to me. 

Good luck, Mummy, I know you’ll do great!

Love always,

Me

This is Sam’s story, she is a 3 times cancer survivor and as well as training as a Post Natal Doula she has also turned her experiences into a way to support other women that may be experiencing similar to her at a vulnerable time in their lives. Amazingly brave and inspiring, here’s her story…

“Twelve years ago, at the age of 27 I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was hormonal so I was terrified my fertility would be affected. We did all we could to protect my ovaries and seven years later, after coming off tamoxifen three months after getting married, we fell pregnant. 

We had a gorgeous baby girl and 18 months later, at a regular check up, my consultant found a lump on my clavicle. It was a secondary breast cancer. 18 months after that, I was diagnosed for a third time, this time in my right breast. I set up a survivor support group after dealing with PTSD and depression after treatment finished and focused all gatherings around wellbeing workshops. 

The Samspace_safespaceaftercancer support group is now running quarterly and I post new blogs about ways we can empower our recovery, as often as I can. After desperately wanting another child but all my cancers being hormonal, I couldn’t cope with the side effects of one of my maintenance drugs anymore, so decided to have my ovaries removed and a hysterectomy last February. 

It has been one hell of a journey but I am now being mentored as a post natal Doula and I absolutely love it! Ultimately I want to be able to help other mums who have been affected by cancer or chronic illness during, before or after pregnancy. 

This area is specialised but so needed and after my experiences, I feel passionately about being able to access this kind of support and empathy at an already vulnerable and challenging time. 

I now blog about lots of areas such as parenting through cancer, secondary infertility, hysterectomy as preventative surgery, what is a post natal Doula, self care and how to empower our recovery, not just after cancer treatment but during the fourth trimester too. 

Sam x “

If you need any support please follow @Samspaces_safespaceaftercancer on instagram or @mummababy_space_

“That” thing that keeps you you

Full disclosure – This is my fantastic Sister in Law! She wrote this a while ago for me and as I’m only now publishing it she’s kindly updated some of the products so they’re up to date. Thanks chicka! Xx

“When I was 8 months pregnant, a client said to me, in response to me suggesting she should use a powder on her new HD Brows, “you won’t have time for any of that when you have a baby!”. “that” I’m assuming means taking time to make yourself look and feel slightly more human than you feel with a 4 month old baby in tow. In my head I was thinking “I will be doing “that” because “that” is what I do!”.

It still shocks me how some women think that as soon as you become a mum, you somehow should become less of a woman. That you should prove how good a mum you are, by showing how much of yourself you are willing to sacrifice. If I am honest, on that day when said client told me that I wouldn’t have time for any of “that”, it firstly made me feel sad that this was now what was expected of me because I was becoming a mum, that I was to leave all my “me bits” behind. And secondly, guilt, because it hadn’t even occurred to me, that this would be something I would have to give up. Part of me. Was I being selfish for not even considering not putting my brows on in the morning?

But why should it be like that? Is it too much to ask that we should spend a few precious moments every day making ourselves feel good? Why is that so wrong?

5 months on and I am proud to say that I have done “that” every single day since my son was born…because it makes me feel like me …and because I am stubborn. I don’t use make-up to please anyone else except myself. I rarely saw my mum without a scrap of make-up and even my nan always used to have her nails painted and her hair pinned up nicely. Apart from making me feel confident and happy, I love the process of putting “my face” on every day. 5 minutes in a day I can spend thinking about me. Ok, so since having my son, I have had to adapt my morning make-up routine. Precision lined eyes are SO overrated anyway!

My time-saving make-up tips for new mums that have worked for me:

1. Making sure your skin care routine is top notch has so many benefits. Not just for vanity, but also protecting against infections and environmental damage. Wipe over skin in the evening with a cotton pad soaked in Micellar Water. My favourite is Bioderma Sensibio H2O. Micellar Waters are super quick for removing all make-up and are non rinse. Only use a night cream or oil if you really need one. We’re trying to save time here. In the morning use a light facial wash and exfoliater on alternate days. Caudalie foaming facial wash is quick and easy or if you have a little bit more time DHC Deep cleansing oil is amazing and leaves your skin feeling really clean. For exfoliaters try Malin and Geotz Jojoba scrub whilst in the shower or The Ordinary Glycolic Acid or Pixi Glow tonic before skin care. Next, is your standard; Eye cream, Serum and Moisturiser. Standard I tell you. Standard. Every single day without fail. Find the best ones that suit your skin type. The Ordinary has some high tech products that really do the job, and are also very reasonably priced. If you’re baffled by the ingredients and their uses, use their Regime Guide to find what products suit you best.

2. Tinted moisturiser or CC (Complexion Corrector) cream. Something you can easily apply with your fingers and that doesn’t require much blending. There’s no time to start fiddling about with brushes and blending out. CC Creams are more skin care based.

3. Concealer. God save concealer!! Use it on blemishes and under eyes to cover dark circles. Avoid any products with shimmer or light reflecting particles (YSL Touché eclat). These products are just going to bounce the light off your eye bags. Absolutely counter productive.

4. Brows (touchy subject). Making sure your brows are shaped to perfection will save you time tweezing out strays or applying make-up to create a perfect shape. Make sure you stay on top of your brow shaping by booking regular appointments with your brow stylist. It only takes 30 minutes and is a good time to recharge your batteries and clear some headspace. Every salon is different, but I am more than happy for my clients to bring babies and toddlers to their appointments. I know how important it is for you to feel nice.

I like to fill in my brows slightly using a brow pencil or a soft brown eye shadow and angled brush. The HD Brow products are brilliant and stay put all day.

4. A quick wash of shadow or creme pot. Nothing crazy. Ivory colours will open the eye and give you more of a wide awake look. Mac paint pot in Painternly is so versatile. Apply with your fingers to the lid and either leave natural or use as a primer for a powder shadow.

5. Eyeliner (if you have time). A soft black or brow kohl pencil can be smudged along the top lashes with a cotton bud. This masks any mistakes made because you’re in a hurry. Keep eyeliner to the top lashes only. This will lift the eye giving the illusion you’ve had 10 hours sleep!

6. Lashes. Having your lashes tinted will save you a heap of time. You can skip mascara, and also panda eyes.

7. Blush. And light pinky blush on the apples of the cheeks will give a healthy glow. Cream products have more longevity, keeping you fresh all day.

8. Lip balm and go go go!!!

This should take all of about 5 minutes and in my opinion worth every single second.

Please keep me posted on how you get on and if you have children, how you’ve incorporated your “that” into your day. It could be reading books, painting, watching your favourite soap. I’d love to hear your time saving getting ready tips too! And if “that” isn’t your thing, that’s cool too.

Love Claire xx”

Pregnancy yoga

Why join a pregnancy yoga class? There are some obvious benefits…

• It helps you stay fit and healthy in a gentle way during pregnancy
• Helps you enjoy time just for you and your baby to relax and connect with other pregnant women
• The movements help you feel more comfortable in pregnancy and will play a part in an active birth
• Then there’s the connection

But how…

Connection with your body, connection between your body and mind, connection with your body mind and breath, AND connection with your baby.

It’s taking the time to understanding your body, appreciating how amazing it is and how every breath you are taking is keeping your baby filled with healthy nutrients, oxygen, noticing how you are giving and creating life… to this wonderful being growing within you.

Visualisation of your baby during classes, taking that time, those precious moments in your busy week to be still, or just notice and FEEL how YOU are changing and how YOUR life is evolving, being aware of the subtle yet strong connection between you and your baby.  It’s a special time and you deserve to immerse yourself in it.  A relaxing Pregnancy Yoga class is time when you can appreciate the miracle that is YOU being your unborn baby’s universe, establishing the connection now that is the start of your relationship.  Perhaps the start of you connecting with your feminine energy and the understated yet ever present gentle power you have?

The adjustment into motherhood can feel a bit like being hit by a bus, did I warn you how honest I am?! Some may take it in their stride, however, in my experience, especially as a first time mum it can be a real test of our metal.  What can help ease us into motherhood is that growing awareness, the pause in between the crazy busy lives we lead, the arrival of our baby can help us tune into our maternal instincts more acutely, it can help ease our way into an adjustment of mindset and an adjustment of how our bodies are changing, softening and preparing for our babies needs.

All of this helps us to connect with our unborn baby.  So when the time comes, we’re less like a rabbit in headlights, we’ve learnt to appreciate the simple moments, learnt to marvel at how incredible our bodies are, how incredible you are and know that making time for you ultimately will help you and your baby when they’re earth side.

Time focused just on you and your baby is nurturing you both.  Preganancy Yoga is an experience you’re enjoying together that provides benefits for you both now and in those early days and weeks.  Savouring your pregnancy, the blessing of what bringing a new life into the world means… or perhaps allowing yourself time to reflect, allowing yourself to let out tension you might be feeling, the time invested in connecting with other women on a similar path to you at this time in your life, learning to listen to your body and the adjustments you need to make for your baby, THIS is how pregnancy yoga can help you connect with your baby.

It is precious time in pregnancy you won’t get back.  It’s a special time to bond before your baby is even in your arms, soak it up…

Much love

Clare

xx

My heart broke a little as I listened to another mum tell me about the judgement and criticism she received from not one but two complete strangers!

I mean my hackles were up and I’m still stunned that another mother could approach someone with a baby that is clearly a new born and instead of offering words of encouragement and support JUDGED her in a really hurtful way.

I don’t surround myself with narrow minded women. I welcome into my classes and my life women that lift each other. This was a reminder to me that there is still so much of this CRAP about!

Niccolo Machiavelli in the early 1500s wrote a manual on power, how to gain it, wield it and keep it. It basically said divide the masses and you can conquer them, separate them and you can rule them.

This happens in so many ways in society, too many ways. We are kept divided by being put into categories, we even categorise ourselves. By doing so we become the judgers, in some cases the “bitches” we have been labelled by society.  I hate that women lower themselves to be like this.  Does this make up powerful?  No, it makes us as women misguided and lost.

In motherhood the first division can often be how we feed our babies.

So I ask, are we to let our babies starve if for whatever reason(s), or, even dare we say it, if a woman chooses to bottle feed instead of breast feed? What if it’s a better choice for a mother to bottle feed her baby? What if that choice was taken away?

We know the benefits of breast feeding, it is incredible and it’s important to share this knowledge, we know how amazing we are and what we can produce. I mean we can create and grow a human being! We don’t need guilt or pressure put upon us for the way we feed our babies.

More needs to be done to support women to breast feed and funding should be increased again to facilitate this, however I now see another camp forming. A camp of mothers that bottle feed having to defend themselves to strangers or friends and family that do NOT KNOW. I hear of mothers being asked “ So you’re not feeding your baby then?” I mean what the actual F! “No I’m not feeding my baby can’t you see they’re starving….” as an empty bottle of formula sits beside them! What’s a mum to respond to that? Why should anyone have to justify themselves?

This has got to stop!! ALL MOTHERS DESERVE SUPPORT FOR THEIR CHOICES.

How can we support and unite as mothers and women in this world if we take part in the judgement of other mothers!  This is archaic, we have learnt to accept and take part in a society that breaks up community and keeps us apart. We are letting the power go to those that divide and conquer.  Because lets face it what would happen if women supported each other in communities like we did many moons ago? Less emotional, mental and physical health problems for mothers as a start I would think.  We are the losers here.

It deeply upsets me to think my children are entering a world of divide and conquer in order for people to gain or keep power, make money from us and ultimately stop us realising how much more powerful we can be together when we lift each other and respect our choices, even if we don’t agree. We’ve not walked in that persons shoes – we have NO IDEA what they’ve gone through.

If I see a mother being made to feel uncomfortable whether she’s breast feeding or bottle feeding I would jump to defend her. I would like more women to do this for each other regardless of if you agree or disagree. Mothers have enough to contend with let alone feeling fearful of judgement and then potentially isolating themselves as a result of the treatment they’ve received.

#MothersSupportingMothers #WomenSupportingWomen

ALL DAY – EVERY DAMN DAY

This will change the world. It’s up to us.

With a little anger but above all the love 💚👭🙏✨

Clare xx