Tag: Motherhood

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Forgiveness in Motherhood

I often remind mothers that we should forgive ourselves quickly and move on.  We are always doing the best we can with the ability and knowledge we have at that moment and often we are showing up in the only way we can at that time.  We expect far too much of ourselves, we expect as soon as we become mothers that we’ll become this nurturing, all knowing, full of patience and the right words to say kind of mother – you know just like in the feel good family films? 

Or maybe that’s just me, I have this expectation of what I should be like as a mother, it’s often been to be the opposite of my own mum.  I’m doing pretty well, however I still have this unrealistic benchmark, or perhaps the holy grail of the perfectly balanced mother, loving and firm, fun and serious.  I can see other mums doing the same, I try to tell mothers how well they’re doing because I can see it, the strength, the connection, managing on a daily basis! I admire lots of mothers all for different reasons, we can learn so much from each other without getting stuck in the comparison trap.

I’ve just realised however that although I forgive myself quickly for little things, when something throws the family dynamic, a phase one of my boys is going through I am straight to thinking “What should I do? or What have I done or not done to create this situation? Why is this happening and what should I have done to avoid it happening?!”  

I wonder how many other mothers do the same?

I immerse myself in trying to trace back why a child of mine has behaved in a certain way, I over analyse, I critique what I’m teaching my children.  Other days I’ll be honest I can feel myself doing an inner high five when they do something that make me proud.  I realise I’m doing ok, we have good values and morals and core beliefs at the centre of our home life.  I feel we’re raising our children to be conscious about the planet, community, kindness and happiness.  

However.

Going back to forgiveness, today I’ve taken a step back thanks to a very valuable chat.  I’ve come to realise I’ve not forgiven myself for the stubbornness and the pride in not seeking help after my eldest was born.  I struggled on for 18 months determined not to be like my mum who has struggled for a long time with her mental health.  Determined not to go to the doctor and to have on eye records that I had PND (Post Natal Depression), determined not to put chemicals into my body.  As if seeking help was weak!  When actually it’s one of the biggest signs of strength.

As a result of my PND I put my husband through a lot and I’d not accepted motherhood and that I was a mother.  I apologised to my husband when I was coming out the other side of PND, he was surprised and not expecting this. I feel that inside I am often apologising to my eldest son, I’m very sensitive to his feelings. I probably overcompensate sometimes. I forgive myself for this.

There’s a lot to unpack here but I want to forgive myself for the disconnect I had with my son for his first years, I’m sorry I decided I couldn’t be a mother and that I would get back to work as soon as possible, take a promotion and go back full time because I felt I had nothing to offer him, I’m sorry I felt unable to accept my role as mother.  I’m sorry I felt I was better at my job then rather than being a mother.  I’m sorry that until now I’ve carried this with me and not let it go.  

I’m sorry I came close to walking out on my husband and my son when he was 18 months old.  I’m sorry that this has sat with me for such a long time and that I’ve doubted my abilities as a mum.  I’m sorry that I haven’t recognised all the things I have done right and I’m doing right.  I’m sorry I had this expectation on myself that is totally unrealistic – I have no way of being this mythical mother.  No mother is perfect, we’re human!

My sons have both chosen me for this life and I am blessed.  I have so much to learn from them because as I’ve said before they are my teacher as much as I am theirs.

As I forgive myself for holding onto the belief that I am not good enough, perhaps you can find something you need to let go of too.Let go of that unhelpful message you have going on in a loop in your mind! 

Holding onto these old patterns and beliefs isn’t the way forward to help me be the mother I need to be for my children, I’ll just be carrying around stuff that isn’t for my highest self and if I hold onto the story I’ve told myself about who I am as a mother I cannot move forward as a woman and human aspiring to reach higher.  How can I set an example to my children that sometimes things happen, sometimes we make mistakes, sometimes we aren’t the best version of ourselves and let them know that’s ok.  That all of these experiences help brings to light who we really are and who we want to be, we can learn and grow if we don’t hold onto these limiting beliefs about ourselves and what we’re capable of. I want my children to soar! I want them to have self belief and so this cycle I’m in has to stop so it doesn’t pass on to them.

I am proud of all that my experience has taught me in the last six years, where it has brought me in terms of my career and giving back to women and our community, rediscovering so much that women have lost that I want to invite back in. It still teaches me now, new layers I hadn’t realised were there and needed shedding. These are my lessons to pass on and help others.

For now though, with the help of the Ho’oponopono prayer which I say to myself.

  • I’m sorry
  • Please forgive me
  • Thank you
  • I love you

Much love xx

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Gender disappointment

Boy or Girl

Boy or girl? What if you don’t get what you’d longed for?

This is something rarely spoken about, discovering the gender of your baby despite knowing they’re healthy sometimes is still a shock or disappointing, sometimes easily brushed off and sometimes not…. Having experienced this to some extent myself I think it’s important to be more open about why we may feel like this. We have our own reasons, mine was the need to heal my own experiences through raising a girl. I’m sure I’ll share that one day. However, this is ones mums story around this issue.

With love and respect for this mothers bravery and honesty…. xx

“We don’t talk about that do we. But it’s real. And it isn’t temporary. Well I don’t think it is anyway, but I am only two years into it, maybe I’m at the peak and it will soon fade. But maybe it won’t. Maybe it will be like a form of grief, where it doesn’t go but you grow around it instead. You have triggers. You have good days and bad. Some of them can be really bleak, painful, consuming misery. And I have decided to write this on one of those days so I don’t sugar coat i or gloss over the REAL issue. Because I’ve googled so many articles about this and if I’m honest, none of them are. Honest I mean. They touch upon the subject but cover the pages with excuses for why they feel that way and how they should be lucky they have a child, healthy, and of the opposite gender they wanted but they love them so much anyway… All the articles follow the same pattern. So I’m writing one that doesn’t so that someone like me can read something like this and for once just feel ok about it not being ok. About the simple injustice that they didn’t get what they wanted. And that’s actually ok. And not acting ungrateful or spoilt or worse – shameful.

I have two healthy boys. And yes, as we all say, I am lucky and therefore that should be the end of it. But I wanted a different family, in my mind I wanted the “perfect” family of a boy and then a girl. I am one of two, my brother being the eldest. Traditional. Ideal. Perfect. We see this image of this 2:4 family in brochures, films, cartoons, toy packaging. the list is endless. And why do i know this? Because I see it everywhere. To me it is a constant reminder that there’s the dream I almost got but didn’t. (Told you I was having a bad day didn’t i). For me, it’s got to the point that I now actively look at other families to see if they got my dream and do you know what, most people actually have. Trust me I’ve observed enough families, I know the statistics. And sadly for me, all of my friends got this too. Just me sitting in the corner with my two boys. Everyone else able to discuss dresses, shoes, dance classes, and worse, tell me how lucky I am not to have a daughter because girls are so much harder. My mum makes comments about how I would have only argued with a daughter anyway because that’s how we spent most of my teenage years. Friends tell me they couldn’t imagine me with a daughter now anyway. And those comments haunt me. They physically hurt. And they make me feel like I wasn’t worthy of this foolish dream I had, I am not good enough to be a mother of a daughter. I know that’s not their intention of course, but likewise I don’t think they realise just how deep my grief is for loosing something I never had. I don’t think I really do, but I think I’m at least found the root. 

My dad left my mum and my brother (aged 14months) when she found out she was pregnant with me. The whole of my dads family essentially abandoned us too as it was too awkward apparently so I grew up without a father figure until I was 6. The rest of my mother’s family are all female as there was no grandad (died) and no uncle (also MIA). My poor brother. My mum absolutely struggled to show us any affection and as an adult now I can understand why, but as a child I knew no different and felt that this was of course the reason my dad and his family had left, we were just unlovable children. To my memory, I have never been told “I love you”, definitely never said it and we do not greet each other with hugs and kisses, just awkward acknowledgments. At weddings, births and funerals we still keep our storic stances, no emotions are shown. Though my brother and I now have a great relationship, we actually hated each other when growing up,  my brother confessed under hypnosis when taken to therapy (different story!) that in his toddler brain my mum chose me over my dad as we were never a family of four. I heard this when I was around 16, and from then I was determined that if I were to get married and have a family it would be forever. That I would never let a child feel so unwanted. I tell my husband and children every day that I love them. I hug them, cuddle them, kiss them and spend time listening to them to try and let them know just how much I want them in my life. So even though they are not the set up of children that I wanted, as my two children and people in their own right, they are very much wanted. Needed in fact. And so very loved. But yes I still have a lump in my throat walking in the children’s department past the dresses and sparkly shoes. And looking at the ballet clubs. And seeing mother and daughters on days out. It really hurts.

So I guess I’m a typical daughter from a broken home and traumatic childhood and I felt that by having a family of the same set up it would help me to have another go at having a happy wholesome family, and erase a childhood of pain, neglect and feeling unloved. I really wanted my husband to have a little girl so I could experience what it would be like to be “daddy’s little princess” through her, see how a dad would react to his daughter having boyfriends and watch a daughter become a mothers best friend. Because I didn’t have it and I so desperately wanted it. I wanted to nurture the brother-sister sibling relationship too, the one thing I really do cherish from my experience. This all must sound messed up and actually incredibly selfish. 

So let’s go back to the usual debate written about gender disappointment. I should be so happy and feel so lucky that I have not only one but two healthy children. Yes, I should. And I do. But why then am I still not allowed to also grieve for the life I thought I was going to have or, as I have now come to realise, grieve the life I have actually lived through and that the one chance I had to make it better and heal is not going to happen? I’m not saying that all gender disappointment comes from unloved childhoods or traumatic relationships, but it does come from a dream you didn’t get to make come true, and those regrets don’t go just because you filled the void with something else. There are several stages of grief and perhaps I’m still far away from the final stage, acceptance. I hope I get there soon, but more than that I really hope that if you are suffering gender disappointment please do not feel alone, ungrateful and ashamed. Be kind to yourself on your bad days and proud of yourself on your good.

Today is a bad day. And thats ok.”

Anon.